


sincere as Fuck

by epochryphal, Exmoose



Series: Shopping Universe [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Choking, Cybersex, Dom/sub, Fluff and Smut, M/M, No Genitals, Nonbinary Character, Other, Pesterlog, Stone Character, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-08-09 02:41:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7783615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epochryphal/pseuds/epochryphal, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Exmoose/pseuds/Exmoose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>EB:  okay, maybe i should have started with:<br/>EB:  wanna cyber?<br/>EB:  dty?<br/>TT:  Well shucks.<br/>TT:  When you put it that way, yiff me hard, dude.</p>
<p>
  <strong></strong>
  <em>m/m established relationship BL yaoi that means boy on boy dont like dont read</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	sincere as Fuck

**Author's Note:**

> ah yes, shopping universe, where the rules are made up and the points don't matter. pre-sex ghosts, early-ish relationship, Waves Hands
> 
> essentially john by exmoose, dirk by epochryphal, beta by conniedeer, pesterlog coding by microsoft word's find+replace feature

EB: dude.  
TT: Sup?  
EB: it’s me, john bot!  
EB: the artificial intelligence you programmed to get yourself off.  
TT: Uh.  
TT: Come again?  
EB: that’s the idea! over and over and over again.  
EB: because my function is your every desire!  
EB: /wiggles robo eyebrows sexily.  
TT: Wow. That is some grade-A seducing that I definitely remember handcrafting for my dark subconscious, and in no way resembles an impossible virus and/or prank.  
EB: yes! this is the deepest desire of your brain.  
EB: well spotted.  
TT: How could I not be painfully turned on by allegations of what an amazing genius I am.  
EB: i dunno man, you’re turned on by a lot of things.  
TT: Oh snap, I've been owned by myself.  
TT: That sure is a new and arousing emotion.  
EB: okay wait, i've got it. just pretend i am a horse cock with a sentient robot inside.  
TT: Seriously?  
EB: should i stop owning you about the ai thing? oops.  
TT: I completely believe the deep sincerity of that semi-apology.  
EB: a minor flaw in my otherwise perfect seduction strategy.  
EB: which i genuinely believe i need to get dirk strider out of his pants.  
TT: Well shit, 'least you don't think I'm easy.  
EB: yeaaahhhh that is definitely not a word i would use for you!  
EB: not in any context ever.  
TT: Look, do you need some strategy tips here, bro?  
EB: no thanks! i figured i’d just sit back and wait for you to own yourself.  
TT: Right.  
EB: isn’t that your fetish?  
TT: Making an imbecile out of myself? Hm. I can see where you might get that impression.  
TT: Yet somehow, here in my elaborate index of niche perversities that get my fleshy juices flowing, your search term seems to be yielding no results.  
EB: okay, maybe i should have started with:  
EB: wanna cyber?  
EB: dty?  
TT: Well shucks.  
TT: When you put it that way, yiff me hard, dude.  
EB: fuck yes!  
EB: i am gonna yiff you so hard.  
TT: Stimulating.  
EB: oh my goddddd you are such a square.  
TT: Damn, the arousal, it keeps increasing.  
TT: And it’s triangle, actually. How long have you known me?  
EB: ugh shut up.  
TT: That would make this rather difficult, wouldn't it?  
TT: Don't wanna leave you talking to your own dick. That's just sad.  
EB: you are my own dick.  
EB: you're just fronting.  
EB: clothes off.  
TT: ...  
TT: Yes, sir.  
EB: nice.  
EB: are you sure you wouldn't prefer to call me daddy this time? :B  
TT: Oh christing hell.  
EB: babe, i am a fantastic daddy dom. tumblr is in awe of me.  
TT: No, and not any other time ever, in any circumstance remotely possible.  
TT: That's great for you.  
EB: fine ok jeez!!  
TT: I mean, seriously, I'm impressed you can sexually parent the entire internet.  
TT: But yeah, gonna opt out of that feature, thanks.  
EB: wow, you make it sound really unsexy.  
TT: It's a gift.  
TT: Also a natural brain function.  
TT: Kind of a hardcoded background process that keeps running no matter how many scripts you run to close it, actually.  
EB: yes, dwelling on this is really helpful!  
EB: it’s a wonder you ever manage to get off.  
TT: Ain't that the god's honest truth.  
EB: bluh.  
EB: is there a sub in there or is it just strider facade all the way down?  
TT: Dunno. Feel up for some spelunking?  
EB: i am pretty sure the last time i checked there was a sub some- oh my god.  
TT: What's wrong, bro? Thought you had a strategy all equipped and ready to go.  
EB: i don't need a strategy. that was a joke.  
EB: the plan was to make you feel nice!  
EB: but i'm starting to doubt you actually want that?? wow.  
EB: okay maybe i do need a strategy.  
TT: Shit, can't a guy be coy as fuck for a little while?  
EB: coyness. sure. that’s what that’s called.  
TT: Alright, alright, look. May no one ever doubt my willingness to board the yiff train, no matter how many words may lay themselves down across the tracks.  
TT: They cry out in protest, “no, please, Mister Conductor, not our fragile metaphysical bodies crushed under your hot iron wheels," yet in truth they are literally all talk. Deep down, they yearn to be pulverized into the sweet afterlife of silence by the debauchery express.  
EB: your willingness is noted.  
EB: all right, where was i?  
TT: Ooh, see, there you go.  
EB: don’t patronize me.  
TT: Ah.  
TT: Sorry, sir.  
EB: that's right.  
EB: good boy.  
EB: you want to help me play with my dick?  
EB: you being the dick in this metaphor.  
TT: Um.  
TT: Yeah.  
EB: tell me how you want to do it.  
TT: Wh-- Hey, come on, that's not fair.  
EB: hehehehe.  
EB: i'm just kidding! get your toys, dumbass.  
TT: See, you know that's plural, but I'm not sure you know just how plural that is.  
EB: you're gonna have to tell me if today is an inside day or outside day.  
TT: Oh.  
TT: I, uh.  
EB: hm.  
EB: this is where i press my fingers to your neck.  
EB: dirk.  
EB: use your words.  
TT: Yes, sir.  
TT: Sorry, sir.  
TT: Both, sir.  
TT: If you please, sir.  
EB: hm....  
EB: suspicious of whether all that sirring is sincere or ham....  
TT: Sincere as fuck. Sir.  
EB: i will take your word for it then!  
TT: Well, you can also tell by the whole rapidfire lack-of-editing pace, but, you know. Yeah.  
EB: oh my god, the editing. jesus christ.  
EB: right. well, since today is a both day, i want you to start slow.  
EB: where are you right now?  
TT: Um. In my room?  
TT: On the floor pile.  
EB: aww yeah with all your freaky plush toys!  
EB: which you find comfortable to sit on somehow.  
EB: okay, well i want you to get comfy, and start with the outside.  
EB: just your fingers to start.  
TT: Okay.  
EB: put your other hand on your neck.  
EB: just hold it there for now.  
EB: oh uh, you'll have to switch to your glasses to type, if you weren’t already.  
TT: Got it.  
EB: i probably should have mentioned that before? oh well.  
EB: good boy.  
TT: Not a prob-- lem.  
EB:   
TT: Fuck.  
EB: you're doing great!  
EB: the neck thing is, that’s where i want my hand right now.  
EB: so you're doing it for me.  
TT: Nn.  
EB: good boy. making noises for me so i can hear you, just like i taught you.  
EB: you're so pretty. are you petting yourself?  
TT: Best I can, sir.  
EB: do you need some help with that?  
TT: Please.  
EB: please what?  
TT: Sir. Please, sir.  
EB: the correct answer is "please help me sir."  
TT: Please please help me sir.  
EB: ahaha! you should see my face right now. fuck, that's so good.  
EB: okay, external vibe!  
TT: Yes yes thank you sir.  
EB: you're welcome.  
EB: put it on your junk. then i want you to pet your stomach for me.  
TT: Okay.  
EB: and put pressure on your neck.  
EB: like it is me touching you.  
TT: Mmgh.  
EB: you're doing good!  
EB: tell me how good you're doing.  
EB: i want to hear it from you this time, not me.  
TT: I'm -- trying.  
TT: I wish you could touch me.  
EB: it's okay! you don't need to try so hard. it’s not a task i’ve assigned you!  
EB: it's my job to make you feel good, you're just helping.  
TT: Oh.  
TT: That's...nice.  
EB: yeah.  
EB: if it doesn’t work, it’s on me not you.  
TT: That's not -- very easy to believe.  
EB: well, believe it!  
TT: Hah. Dattebayo?  
EB: hey, i resisted making that joke but you just had to go and do it!  
EB: bad dirk.  
EB: just kidding, you're still great.  
TT: Oh come on, you half made it anyw-- oh.  
EB: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. h.  
EB: sh.  
EB: now, tell me what a good boy you are.  
TT: I'm.  
TT: A very good boy?  
EB: you don’t sound very sure.  
TT: Ah -- I am. I'm.  
TT: I'm a very very good boy.  
EB: good job! you weren’t even deterred by the animes.  
TT: Mmn. Miracles.  
EB: okay where was i before naruto interrupted?  
EB: right, you were petting yourself.  
EB: with the help of a vibrator.  
TT: Yes.  
EB: hehe.  
EB: tell me how it feels.  
TT: It's -- Fuck.  
EB: hm?  
TT: It's starting to hurt a little.  
TT: It's. Really frustrating.  
EB: then turn it off for a bit!  
TT: Mngh. Don't wanna.  
EB: oho, so it’s good hurt?  
TT: No it just.  
TT: Argh.  
TT: Stopping sucks.  
TT: Fuck, okay, yeah.  
EB: i'd let you leave it on but i want you to get something for your ass.  
EB: you got a vibrating one for your butt, right?  
TT: I. Of course I do.  
EB: of course you do.  
TT: Who the hell do you think etcetera.  
TT: Shit, more animes.  
EB: well i dunno dirk maybe it was in the dishwasher or something! jeez!  
EB: i'm not the seer of dildos!  
EB: also dishwasher is how you wash those right?  
TT: Wow yeah, I am totally that comfortable with other people possibly contacting things that go inside me.  
EB: eyerollllllll.  
TT: Or y'know, there's hands and sinks.  
TT: Hey, I'm waiting on your say-so here.  
EB: do you wash them while other people are around? possibly wearing a frilly apron?  
EB: silence, i'm contemplating this image.  
TT: *Totally unironically respectful silence.*  
EB: your respect is noted but also so is your avoidance of the question.  
TT: Oh come on, how can I answer while I'm being silent?  
EB: fuck, i have created a dom paradox.  
TT: Smooth.  
EB: i know i am.  
TT: And yes, there are aprons involved, yet somehow also doors that have locks, and professionals who lock them.  
TT: Kinda doubt the frilliness is up to your imagination though.  
EB: wow. boring. my exhibitionism boner dies.  
EB: anyway! so we've established you have a vibrating butt dildo.  
TT: True.  
EB: go ahead and fellate it a bit before you lube it up.  
TT: Oh.  
EB: you know that gets me going.   
TT: Right then.  
EB: oh man you totally need a gag too.  
TT: Mmmg.  
EB: i mean, it’s kind of just symbolic since we're typing slash brain messaging here? but damn. yes.  
TT: I'm into symbolism.  
EB: whaaaat? really??  
EB: hahaha, just kidding, can you imagine.  
EB: i am very very well aware of how symbolism gets your rocks off.  
TT: Oh good, you didn't miss that particular edifice of my personality.  
EB: it’s a little hard to avoid noticing, dirk.  
EB: anyways. speaking of hard things that draw attention.  
EB: let’s carry on shall we?  
TT: Heh. No worries, I have hella silicone up in my mouth at present.  
EB: hhhmmm.  
EB: nice.  
TT: Wouldn't slack off just to banter.  
EB: you never slack off! it's your one failing.  
TT: S’already making my jaw ache kinda nice.  
EB: niiice.  
EB: oh fuck, do you have one of those gags that like, goes all the way back in your mouth? and kind of presses back into your throat?  
TT: Ah.  
EB: you know what i mean right?  
TT: A wedge gag.  
TT: No, alas.  
EB: damn.  
EB: makes a note.  
TT: They're kinda hard to shop for, dimensions-wise.  
EB: just don't mind me and my fixation on teasing your gag reflex over here, you heard nothing.  
TT: Hey, no minding is happening here whatsoever.  
TT: Just a shitton of spit, mostly.  
EB: ehehehe.  
EB: that's good.  
TT: Yeah?  
EB: ye.  
EB: s.  
TT: Wow. Hitting a sweet spot for you?  
EB: next step, the silicone goes in the butt.  
TT: Oh.  
EB: i mean that was fairly obvious but it’s a thing i have to say anyway!  
EB: also, use extra extra lube, you tool.  
TT: No yeah, those are good words.  
TT: Heh, alright, if you insist.  
EB: i do insist!  
EB: lube is my fetish.  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: Hot.  
EB: second only to spit.  
EB: which is not an advisable substitute however.  
EB: frick, you got anything else you can stick in your mouth?  
EB: i mean obviously you do, but what’s good?  
TT: Uh.  
EB: like a butt plug or something.  
TT: Ball gag, bit gag, dildo, metal bars, wood dowels, pill bottle (don't ask), rubber ball and ace bandages, plugs...  
TT: Yeah, there's plugs.  
EB: you could keep one in your mouth and it could be the next visitor to your ass!  
EB: i mean, after it gets tired of this one.  
TT: Mmn.  
EB: respond with some indication of your feelings on that proposal- yeah that’s good!  
EB: or actually, no, i need better indication. i require it. make more noises.  
TT: Uh.  
EB: ok so that’s not doing it for you huh.  
TT: I uh.  
TT: Focusing?  
TT: Sorry, bit of a tightass at the moment.  
EB: /ROLLS EYES AT PUN.  
EB: okay, relax and focus on me touching you.  
EB: i am touching your chest. and your stomach. and your neck.  
TT: Mmmmmh.  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: Ah! Fuck--  
TT: Oh god.  
EB: i am visualizing this. ehe. it's nice.  
EB: how are we doing with your butt?  
TT: Fuck I'm-- Ah!  
TT: It's good--  
EB: hmm yes i didn’t guess from the porn dialogue!  
TT: Mmg, it's-- shut up.  
EB: did you get it in?  
TT: Shut up, I have literal strings of drool and a hilt sticking out of me.  
EB: fuck.  
TT: Yeah, we're there.  
EB: good boy.  
TT: Mm.  
TT: Thanks.  
EB: you did a good job getting that done.  
TT: More?  
EB: more what?  
TT: More -- stuff.  
TT: Vibe? On?  
EB: of course there is more stuff!  
EB: just chill a sec, gosh.  
EB: needy.  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: That's me.  
EB: it is, and it's perfect.  
TT: Nn.  
EB: touch your outside stuff a little.  
EB: is it sensitive or did you wear it out with the first vibe?  
TT: Kinda in-between?  
TT: There's. Good spots.  
EB: mm, be gentle.  
EB: be gentle with yourself for me.  
TT: That --  
TT: I.  
TT: Okay.  
EB: now you can turn your butt vibe on.  
EB: not super high! just enough to feel nice.  
TT: Mmh.  
EB: i don’t remember the settings for this one so i'm just going to trust you to handle them.  
TT: It's. Two out of four right now.  
TT: Just intensity, no fancy patterns.  
EB: describe the sensation for me.  
TT: And it's. Nice.  
TT: Um. It's, buzzy?  
EB: wow. ok, that’s fine if that’s all the words you have right now!  
TT: I mean.  
TT: Yeah.  
EB: hmmgh i want to touch your mouth. and neck. fuck.  
TT: There's some definite squelching. Which is. Really niceZ  
TT: Shit.  
TT: Shit, wish you could toug my neck.  
EB: push down on your neck, because you love that shit and it’s great.  
EB: oh fuck yes we have hit the spelling error zone.  
TT: Ughhhh, yes.  
EB: just that one hand on you and you could cum from that! fuck!  
TT: I really really could  
EB: can you do it for me?  
EB: hand on your neck?  
TT: Yes  
TT: Yes I will  
EB: put pressure on it.  
EB: and with your other hand, be nice to yourself.  
TT: Fuck  
TT: Holy fuck I'm a mess  
EB: fuck yes you are.  
TT: Ah  
EB: can you manage a little breathplay? i mean, is that a thing you can do?  
EB: without me there?  
EB: or just pressure is fine.  
EB: you're doing so good.  
TT: Shit I  
TT: I would I will I just  
EB: take your time! don’t rush it.  
TT: Shit, shit I need a breather from myself  
EB: you're super pretty and nice like this fuck.  
TT: Nnnh.  
EB: okay okay that’s fine! just chill for a bit with me. breathe normal.  
EB: do you want me to keep talking?  
TT: Sorry, I. Got really into that.  
TT: Yeah. Please.  
EB: that was the point, dumbass!  
TT: I'm just gonna. Wipe some snot off my face.  
EB: ffff oh my god are you crying???  
TT: Maybe.  
EB: hnng restrains own crying fetish it’s cool i’m good we're good  
TT: Yeah, I'm sex-crying, and yeah, dacryphiliacs everywhere rejoice.  
EB: fuck yeah represent!  
TT: Fuckin' fistbump.  
EB: fistbumps the heck out of you.  
TT: Hot damn but choking on a plug was a good idea I never did have myself.  
EB: oh are you actually doing that?? you didn’t say anything!  
TT: Sure was. Breather now.  
TT: Christ.  
EB: do you want me to rein in the emotional stuff?  
TT: Hell nah. Of all the ways to use reins, that is the least desirable right now.  
EB: okay cool because you are embarrassingly easy to emotionally manipulate.  
EB: but in a non-creepy way.  
EB: wherein, i say how great you are and you fall apart???  
TT: Mm.  
TT: I mean, also, gagging on a plug pushed up against a bed while you try to handchoke yourself too? Good shit man.  
EB: fuckkkk yes.  
EB: i am the best.  
TT: Well that's true facts.  
EB: you, are also the best.  
EB: paradoxically.  
TT: Hehh.  
EB: are you good now?  
TT: Yep.  
TT: All bright-eyed and bushy-butt-vibed.  
EB: how are things down in ass land?  
TT: Haha, they're chill.  
EB: still at 2 or did you turn it off?  
TT: 2, yeah.  
TT: Without any movement it's kinda like a massage chair.  
EB: hm i see what you mean.  
EB: why don’t you play with that for now?  
TT: Fuck yeah.  
TT: Goddamn my sheets are drooly.  
EB: get the plug back in your mouth, but lay off your neck for now.  
TT: Hnn. 'kay.  
EB: you can beg for it in a bit.  
TT: Nnn.  
EB: i am definitely chinhandsing at you right now. nice.  
EB: yeah just focus on your crotch stuff for a little bit.  
TT: Can do.  
EB: wiggle that thing around like it is tentacle day at the club.  
EB: the club is your ass.  
TT: Agh, fuck, haven't been proper fucked in ages.  
TT: Wow.  
EB: well it’s not actually a tentacle dildo so maybe i should scrap that metaphor??  
EB: and get back to fucking you.  
TT: Nnnnn.  
EB: although honestly if I was there i would just be teasing you, because i'm evil and also me. as you know.  
EB: not that you don't deserve to be properly fucked! but this time, you gotta beg for it.  
TT: Oh god.  
EB: that right.  
TT: Please, please please.  
TT: Please fuck me right.  
TT: Want it.  
EB: you are kinda phoning in that begging there mister!  
TT: I?  
EB: yeah, come on. tell me how you need it.  
TT: I. Fuck.  
EB: tell me how you need me to destroy you.  
TT: FUCK, please.  
EB: ahahahaha!  
TT: Please wreck me.  
EB: good boy.  
TT: Jesus christ please wreck me.  
EB: that's better.  
TT: Hnnn.  
TT: Wanna be.  
TT: Wanna be better and good and earn it and lose it.  
EB: christ, you are so good. you're working on earning it. i am enjoying the fuck out of this right now.  
TT: Please trash me please obliterate me please.  
TT: Please please please ruin me so hard.  
EB: you want some thrusting?  
EB: let's have some thrusting. fuck yourself a little for me.  
TT: Yes. God.  
TT: Fuck, thank you.  
EB: good. you're welcome.  
EB: need that intensity turned up?  
TT: Please.  
EB: turn it up to 3.  
TT: Nmgg god thank you  
EB: keep fucking yourself. i'm thinking bring back the front vibe as well?  
TT: Yes I  
TT: Coordinating  
TT: Holy shit  
EB: mm, might be a bit difficult yes.  
EB: hehehehe.  
EB: you got that figured out?  
TT: ah - Ha- Ahuh  
EB: got enough hands slash brainpower remaining? pfff.  
EB: tell me when you need to stop messaging to focus.  
EB: but first.  
TT: Mmn,  
EB: you want my hand on your neck, don't you?  
TT: Yea  
TT: Yes  
TT: Yes please god yes  
TT: Pleaae plsase plwase plwaaease  
EB: that's what i want you to do. don't worry about typing if you don't wanna. or thinking at all.  
EB: put your hand on your neck and choke yourself.  
TT: Please don't stop  
EB: fucking wreck your ass and choke yourself.  
EB: oh, don't worry, i won't.  
EB: you're doing fucking great.  
EB: fuck, i love it.  
EB: you're so perfect for this.  
EB: you're so hot, and perfect, and you destroy beautifully.  
EB: i want to squeeze the air out of you.  
EB: i fucking love it when you can't spell correctly either, it’s great, fuck.  
EB: that’s how i know you've lost it all the way.  
EB: you're such a good boy.  
TT: hnghngbgh.  
EB: if you could type right now i'd make you try and tell me how good you are.  
TT: holy shit.  
EB: ooh apparently you can type!  
EB: to some extent. hehe.  
TT: Hoooooly shit.  
TT: Wow, fuck.  
EB: did you finish?  
TT: Yeah.  
EB: nice!!!   
TT: YEAH I fuckin' did.  
EB: good job!!!!  
EB: i am so proud of you.  
TT: Oh my god do not sound like Dad right now.  
EB: i am legitimately proud of you as myself and not as dad!!  
EB: ok fine jeez. touchy.  
TT: Whoof. Thanks.  
TT: Damn.  
TT: Damn, you were.  
TT: Really good back there.  
EB:   
EB: fuck yes.  
EB: and so were you.  
TT: God.  
TT: Yeah?  
EB: yep, i enjoyed that. you were super fucking excellent.  
TT: Huh.  
TT: Well damn.  
EB: now remove various objects from various holes and relax.  
TT: Chyeah.  
EB: “chyeah" wow that is such an in-character word to use.  
TT: Mmfuck kinda fucked up my wrist. Again.  
EB: hahaha fuck.  
EB: get some ice for that?  
TT: Thanks for your constructive criticism of how very me I am.  
EB: you tell me i'm in-character all the time, pff.  
TT: Fair enough.  
TT: Hoo boy. Ice is probably a good idea once I can stand up.  
EB: ahahaha oh noooo!  
TT: It's good. Zero regrets.  
EB: whoo. oh man. you gotta aftercare yourself i’m sorry man.  
TT: Nah, you're here.  
EB: set your gross toys off to the side and take care of yourself for me.  
EB: well i am there in spirit and also over skype, yes.  
TT: Yep. You've been here the whole time.   
TT: Agh, fuckin' skype emoji.  
EB: bahahaha i turned them off!!  
EB: you just got owned by skype emoji dude.  
EB: that’s why you disable those fuckers. and also, avoid hearts in general.  
TT: Yes, that just keeps happening.  
TT: I'll look into that.  
EB: is it an emoji when i do it? ""  
TT: Sure fuckin' is.  
TT: Those smilies you sent earlier too.  
EB: damn, you mean when i did    
TT: Fuckin' cockblocks, man.  
EB: god damn it skype!!  
EB: it’s a good thing your fetish is awkwardness.  
TT: Ha, I hadn't realized the mobile setting was such a pain.  
TT: Welp.  
EB: i am using my laptop because i am a serious internet dom who takes things seriously.  
TT: See, I considered that, but phones and glasses are easier to clean.  
EB: ahh the things this laptop has seen.  
EB: let’s not pretend my laptop is not covered in the ghosts of finger spunk.  
TT: Misreading 'finger' as 'future' makes that strangely profound.  
EB: really?? how?  
TT: Uh.  
TT: Somehow?  
EB: well you are totally the expert on profound here. it’s you.  
TT: Sorry, you caught me. I distracted myself rereading what you said earlier.  
EB: hehehehe.  
TT: Truth.  
TT: Seriously though. Some masterful sentences.  
TT: Pun thoroughly intended.  
EB: i should have made you call me sir more.  
EB: it was hot.  
TT: Mm.  
TT: Concur.  
EB: did you manage to get any ice or are you still getting owned by your ass?  
TT: Haha, more like my legs.  
TT: And at this point it's more ownage by nudity.  
TT: I could probably wear a sheet and stand up for the three feet to the freezer.  
EB: nudity? pff.  
TT: Hey, I forget sometimes how awesome it is to be wearing nothing whatsoever, and then that becomes the new de facto state of being no can do otherwise.  
EB: in my personal fantasies you are basically always naked or wearing a frilly apron. my brain is realistic like that!  
TT: Nice. Happy to oblige.  
EB: and a collar.  
EB: coughs.  
TT: Especially that.  
EB: :B  
EB: does skype murder that emoji too?  
TT: Nope, that's all you.  
EB: wow thanks.  
TT: Welcome.  
EB: i will let this guinea pig pee on you, see if i don't.  
TT: Oh no, more fluids marring my sticky flesh.  
EB: i have a guinea pig, that’s a thing. i hold guinea pigs while cybering which definitely doesn’t ruin the mood.  
EB: yeah you don't really need my help with the fluids thing.  
TT: Of course. What kind of ai doesn't have a furry rodent auxiliary?  
EB: you know, i am trying to think of one, but none come to mind.  
TT: Exactly.  
TT: Hup, time for ice I guess.  
EB: i am not actually an ai you know. just a stone dom!  
EB: but not a stone cold dom.  
EB: i am kawaii as fuck.  
TT: Ahh, is that where that shtick came from?  
TT: Glad to know I can't take credit for how awesome you are.  
TT: Really wasn't sure if that was allowed for a minute.  
TT: Like, literally, I may have been retaining the possibility all this time that you were an elaborate self-troll I hypnotized myself out of remembering.  
TT: Can’t put it past me.  
EB: nope, i am wholly responsible for my own excellence.  
EB: but if it gets you off i can pretend to be a splinter of your personality that lives in your cell phone.  
EB: or just another person who does.  
TT: God, let's not and say we didn't.  
EB: that would actually be pretty sweet though. if i die can i live in your cell phone?  
TT: Sigh.  
TT: Yeah, yeah, backup plan only though alright?  
EB: i was joking! that was a joke! a very tasteful joke.  
TT: No, see, I've been the one with the jokes.  
TT: And no non-Shakespearean dying is allowed save under extremely exceptional circumstances.  
EB: what if dying is my fetish dirk. what if it’s my fetish and you're kinkshaming me right now.  
TT: Utterly impossible.  
TT: If I kinkshamed anything I would spontaneously combust out of karmic ironies.  
TT: And no, declining your fatherly advances didn't count.  
TT: Besides. You can enjoy dying without ever getting dead, noob.  
EB: those weren’t fatherly advances oh my god!!  
EB: and i guess technically but when you say it like that it sucks the fun out of it!  
TT: Whoops, did I leave my suction function running?  
TT: Well dadderly sure as fuck ain't a word.  
EB: it’s dadly.  
EB: dadderly is not a word you dumb fuck.  
TT: That is literally the same statement I was making.  
EB: ........  
EB: i retract my interest in continuing this asinine conversation!  
TT: Ahaha retracting. Good image, bro. Very apropos to the post-coital phase.  
EB: did you get the ice or are you too busy trying to annoy me on skype?  
TT: Multitasking.  
TT: Pretty sure you already know how pro at it I am.  
TT: So yes, there is ice, and a sheet that sadly lacks in the frills department.  
EB: fine, so it’s time for the mandatory event of me petting your hair and telling you what a beautiful pony you are.  
TT: Nickers softly.  
EB: pats.  
TT: Wow, that's quality roleplay right there.  
EB: or whatever type of imaginary aftercare we aren’t actually doing, i dunno.  
EB: shush, i thought you didn’t like the cuddly stuff.  
TT: Yeah. Reflexive chain-yanking, you know how it is.  
EB: le kisses your head.  
TT: Gayyyy.  
EB: wow no you.  
TT: Both? Both. Both is good.  
TT: Or neither, honestly.  
TT: The only gold stars we get come from Jade’s sticker sheets.  
EB: yes well before we get distracted by our enormous friend group, i want you to tell me what i did that you liked.  
EB: or later is okay but.  
TT: Mm.  
EB: i am not actually omniscent.  
TT: You are not every scent at once? Thank fuck, not sure my nasal cavities could handle that, even over the internets.  
EB: god, fucking, spelling isn’t about arousal anymore jesus christ, stop.  
EB: you're terrible.  
TT: Yep.  
TT: The worst.  
TT: Really dug when you said I destroy beautifully.  
TT: And that I was perfect for this.  
EB: well it’s true.  
TT: Damn, that's some wordsmithing.  
TT: Some downright feelsmithing.  
TT: Something something anvils and hammers.  
EB: i'm not completely inadequate at words!  
EB: although you sure do try to outdo me, you dick.  
TT: Again: You've met me, yes?  
EB: yes.  
TT: But yeah, you're hella competent.  
TT: And thanks. For putting up with my deflective rambling.  
EB: you are constantly words everywhere and not enough of them are indicative of your feelings!  
EB: yes it’s fine. i am used to it.  
TT: Yep.  
EB: it is a challenge.  
EB: i will overcome it and grow stronger.  
TT: That sounds like a super healthy approach that I should definitely avoid becoming competitive about.  
TT: But hell, the whole ordering me to reveal feelings thing works pretty fuckin’ well too.  
EB: thank god because otherwise i am pretty much blind.  
TT: And the clothes off bit. That was nice. Sudden.  
EB: dicking around only happens until i get sick of it.  
TT: My everything appreciates that.  
EB: i am definitely not guilty of dicking around myself! nosirree!  
TT: Getting myself derailed is kind of the point.  
TT: Glorious train crash metaphors, oh how you sustain me.  
EB: it’s cool, i got you covered.  
EB: that’s why it is my job to drive the train and not yours.  
EB: your job is to like, shovel the coal or whatever?  
TT: Oo, harsh.  
TT: Does explain some differences in musculature, though.  
EB: and also to be the train i guess. but yes you gotta do the heavy lifting.  
EB: fuck off tiny!  
TT: I can be the inanimate object, it's me.  
EB: soooo swole i am swooning!!!!!!  
EB: yes good.  
TT: Any specific questions about your prowess, or have I highlighted enough key points for you?  
EB: nah you were actually pretty good about being responsive in the moment.  
EB: i just wanted to take some notes. for science.  
TT: Of course. Optimization algorithms are incredibly important.  
TT: Glad I could be of service.  
TT: Ahem.  
EB: yes that is definitely one way you could describe it!  
EB: you're excellent at being of service.  
TT: Mm.  
TT: Speaking of, actually, you good? Want anything?  
EB: i am good!  
EB: i just wanted to make you fuck your brains off, and it sounds like mission accomplished!   
TT: Mission freakin' obliterated.  
EB: you're excellent at it, it’s great.  
EB: you're the best sub, it is you.  
TT: D'aww. Blushing.  
TT: The kawaii, it's catching.  
EB: what is this human disease called kawaii?  
EB: this human emotion of d'aww i have transmitted to you.  
EB: you're infected now man. it's over. you're fucked.  
EB: both literally and metaphorically. ehehe.  
TT: I am most royally fucked indeed.  
EB: good.  
EB: my job here is done.  
EB: whooshes away!!!  
TT: Salutes the sky. Farewell, windy guy.  
EB: pchoooooooo........  
EB: looks like team dom is blasting off agaaaaiiiiiiiinnnn........! 

**Author's Note:**

> (a/n: if u don't know who naruto is get da hell out of here!)
> 
> exmoose: I feeel like i should get co-author shipping for the human disease called kawaii lines ALONE


End file.
